I’m going to really try to start blogging more often, since it’s just pitiful to actually have a blog, and never use it. This week is crazy busy, but on Monday, I’m gonna be sure to  post lots of pictures from Halloween, and fully recap the weekend.

Blog you soon!

Kayla

As a bit of a run-down of the past few months:

1. I had my birthday, which was, I must say, pretty bitchin’.  Granted, it wasn’t as…embarrassing…as last year.  THANK GOD.  But it was lots of fun, and filled with all my favorite people (but missing some pretty important ones, as well).

2. I’ve paid up my first deposit on this summer’s Berlin trip, and I’m so stoked to go.

3. I’ve started a new diet, and while I don’t intend to fill up this blog with my weight-obsessed ramblings, I would like to mention that through this diet (Nutrisystem, if you’re wondering) I’ve lost 11.4 pounds so far, within the span of just under 3 weeks.

4. My life has become much more solitary than I’ve dealt with in years, and so that’s a bit odd.  Not necessarily bad, just different.

5. I’ve been spending more time with my family lately and it’s been pretty good.  Better than it has been in a long while.  It’s a nice change. =)

So, that’s about it for now.  I am going to try to blog more.  For reals, this time.

Yours,

Kayla

So, I’ve got a list of ways in which I hope to improve my life (and myself) for 2010.

1) I’ve got a fitness plan.  I’m implementing it come Friday,  and I’m going to get healthier, for my own good.  SO, if you see me, feel free to ask about the diet/workouts.  I want to feel accountable to everyone, and maybe that will keep me motivated.

2) I’m going to start taking more responsibilities and will begin acting proactively to avoid insults by certain family members, specifically my  grandmother.  I’ve promised myself that the next time she insults me (intentionally or otherwise), I’m walking out.  Maybe if I stand up for myself, she’ll get the picture.

3) MODERATION, MODERATION, MODERATION.  In everything. It doesn’t mean I can’t splurge, just that I can only do it, at most, once a week.

4) I’m going to commit time  each Thursday afternoon to blog.  Since it’ll be my home stretch for the end of the week, I’ll be completely cool with school work, and have some free time.

5) I’m going to get tested for ADHD whenever school’s back in.  I neeeeeed more focus, and I think that it might be more than just procrastination that is making it difficult.

6) Work. Workworkwork. I’ve got to bust my ass and keep my work as first priority.

Let’s hope that these resolutions can stay in the realm of possibilities, and I’ll make sure to keep a record of my progress in each blog.  I’m going to start holding myself more accountable, and I’m pretty sure that that can only help me out.

My mom, who wasn’t supposed to have to work, got called in anyway, and so spent the majority of the day in Paducah. We waited for her to get home (early, YAY!), so that we could continue our tradition of opening presents on Xmas eve afternoon. Mom and Dad got all the stockings, and we separated all of our presents out. Since Jacob and I are older, and knew everything we were getting, we let Mom and Dad open their presents first.

As you can tell, Mom was really excited to have her pictures taken.  Jacob got her some tootsie rolls (lame) and an mp3 player, which she really liked.   I bought her a Vera Bradley purse and some Bath and Body Works perfume/lotion.  She seemed really happy…which was the whole point. :)

Benny decided to jump in the box, and freaked out.  He was in total OH-MY-GOD-IT’S-CHRISTMAS-AND-I-DON’T-KNOW-WHAT-THIS-IS-BUT-IT’S-THE-BEST-THING-EVER mode. And then peeked out of the box…just before my mom ruined his fun and made him get out.

Then, it was Dad’s turn.  Jacob got him an mp3 player as well, and I didn’t know what to get, so bought him the Mummy Collector’s box set and the new Star Trek movie, as well as this Craftsman clock that he really wanted.  All in all, he seemed pretty happy.

Jacob got a bunch of shit, I bought him Cloverfield, and then I opened all my presents, the best of which was a picture of me and Brittany, framed so I can put it in my office.

Everything seemed pretty chill, so we prepared to fix Christmas Eve dinner (another random family tradition).  Mom had bought steaks, so we were pretty excited.  I mean, steaks are freakin’ delicious. So I tried my hand at roasting some pecans for the family dinner on Saturday (which turned out to be a complete disaster.  COMPLETE DISASTER.  We bought three bags, and THANK YOU BABY JESUS I only fixed one of them.  Out of four cups of pecans, only 1/3 was actually edible….as seen in the pic below.)

So, with that disaster hot on the heels of our beginnings of dinner, we hoped that would be the only thing that went wrong… OH, HOW WRONG WE WERE.  So mom and I started the veggies, and then realized that if we were going to girll the steaks, we had to do something, since it was raining and the grill isn’t actually made to be used in the rain. So we set up the cover for the porch swing, and put the grill under it.  It seemed perfect, and I was pretty proud.

My dad, as usual, was lounging, and had actually fallen asleep, while my mom and I trekked out to the garage (in the dark…with no light because the damn motion detector lights were out) and rescued the porch swing cover, as well as the charcoal and the lighter fluid.  So we set everything up (STILL IN THE POURING DOWN, FREEZING MY ASS OFF RAIN) and hoped that the steaks wouldn’t suffer because of the shitty weather.
Unfortunately, while we were working on it, the corn nearly scorched, my dad kept sleeping, my mom and I continued cursing outside, and all in all ruing the day we decided to grill in the rain.  So we were soaked to the bone, and began heading inside, when Jacob, who was in the laundry room, announced that the detergent had gotten knocked over, and half the bottle was on the floor.  AWESOME.

Mom and I checked on the veggies, and kept hopping in and out to make sure that the grill was doing okay.  My dad finally woke up, my mom gave in and refused to actually confront him (like usual) and then continued to complain (also like usual).

So, as I’m trying to manage the corn, and play with the cats, and feed them their Christmas dinner, I hear a bang.  A loud one.  And my mom and dad being really loud outside.  And then I look outside.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!?  THE FUCKING GRILL AND THE FUCKING SWINGSET TOP HAS KNOCKED OVER, OUR STEAKS ARE ON THE PORCH AND CHRISTMAS DINNER IS RUINED FOREVER.  I think my literal response, and the only thing that could actually be articulated was one word: “Godfuckingdammit.”

As a side note, the pic was taken AFTER I’d scraped all the coals off the porch and we’d picked up the grill.  I opened the sliding door, and asked my mom what happened…to which she replied “WATER.  WE NEED WATER THE DECK IS ON FIRE!!!” So I’m screaming at Jacob, and filling water into pitchers in the sink, and trying to get water out there, because dear Jesus the last thing we needed was a deck on fire.  Needless to say, washed off the steaks after they’d been thrown back into the ashes of the grill, and I scraped off all of the charcoal out into the yard…I mean, its too wet for ANYTHING EVER to catch fire.

So we threw the steaks in the oven and broiled them for a while, and THANK YOU TINY EIGHT POUND SIX OUNCE BABY JESUS, they were actually good.  All I’m waiting for now is the Bumpus hounds (from a Christmas Story, if you haven’t seen it) to come running in and steal the steaks from my plate.  Because, after this eventful Christmas Eve, it’s really all I can expect….and would be perfectly natural in this ridiculous day/night.

But now the holidays are almost here, and, much like every year, I begin dreading the holiday rush. I love the smell of Christmas (the spicy, warm, cinnamon-y smells that danced around the kitchen when I was a child), but the actual ordeal of families, presents, and food are just tiring to me. I no longer feel the fluttering anticipation that I filled those days before Christmas when I was younger, and the calendar (shaped like a Christmas tree, with a Christmas-y scene on each of the little numbered pouches that are made to hold the little mouse, as he moves day to day, ever closer to the 25th) which used to hang on our wall counting down the days remains hidden in a box. As time goes by, my family (and I) get a little older, and my family members slowly disappear, each Christmas becomes more filled with past memories and less about making them. The family that I have left is not the ideal bunch, and mostly I don’t bond with them because I don’t fit with them. Which leads to the age-old circular argument: Are they worse because I’m different, or have they changed while I stay the same? I can’t help but think that since it is a universal change, that I’m the one that’s different. All in all, that’s okay by me. But it makes me dread the holidays more and more each year.

Here’s hoping that my (and all of your) holidays wrap up better than expected. :)

-kayla

I solemnly swear that I will have a real post up by the end of finals week.  Oh, and that I’m up to no good.

_________________________________________

Whew! I knew it was busy, but putting it all down seems nearly overwhelming. Ah, well. All I’ve got left to do for the semester is put ou one more 25 page paper for Humphreys (grrr) and then I’m virtually finished fort the semester.

Thank you dear baby Jesus.

drum to metal.

breathe in – out.

small streams invade solace.

sparks begin.

warmth all around,

all over.

breathe out – in.

the day is washed away,

the dirt.  the worries

the trouble.

i begin again.

The past is washed away,

dies a slow death,

a pleasant death.

i awaken whole,

new.

clean.

reborn.

The last thing that I would ever want to do is to upset anyone by what I’ve written.  But I feel like, while I know that it is out there for the whole world to see, its one of the only places that I can say what I’m thinking and not have to worry about justifying it to anyone… But I guess not.

All I have to say, is that to you who were upset (or didn’t understand or were confused or whatever), is that it wasn’t intentional.  And while you may have someone that you can talk to, and will listen to you unconditionally, not all of us do.  Support structures are gone, and I’m falling back into the abyss.  Yeah, it was fueled by frustration…but that doesn’t mean that I won’t accept a hand, if one is offered.  I’m not sure how much longer I can teter before I fall.  I might be strong, but no man is an island.

I’m just saying.

Take me, for example.  I have a habit of pouring drinks, and not drinking them.  I have a habit of smoking when I’m stressed/angry/tired/bored.  I only bite 3 of my nails with any regularity. But sitting here in the dept, I begin to wonder…do my habits effect anyone around me?  Granted, the smoking is a given.  But I’m talking more about my habits of behavior toward others.

I’ve always been told that you teach others how to treat you, and that you hold the key to changing the way that people act toward you.  SO, with that said, I feel like I’ve taught some people to walk all over me…and they have.  Time and again, without fail.  I’M ALWAYS GETTING STEPPED ON.  Deep inside, I know that I invited them in, asked them, “Please, take advantage of my niceties, and let me do everything for you that I can and get nothing in return.  I’ll love it, I promise.”

By doing this, whether I meant to or not, I’m letting people walk all over me…  Its not everyone. In reality, I’m most suceptible to the charm of one person.  But I’m guessing its because we used to be best friends, and now its just casual, and I seriously can’t even describe how much it hurts.

Such is life, I guess.

But maybe I’ll start teaching others to treat me better, in hopes that the next time someone like that comes around, I’ll have my guard up.  And they won’t break me down.