All we need now are the Bumpus hounds.

Oh, Christmas Eve. I know that I blogged about how much I despise Christmas in the last blog post, but seriously I can’t even begin to describe today.

My mom, who wasn’t supposed to have to work, got called in anyway, and so spent the majority of the day in Paducah. We waited for her to get home (early, YAY!), so that we could continue our tradition of opening presents on Xmas eve afternoon. Mom and Dad got all the stockings, and we separated all of our presents out. Since Jacob and I are older, and knew everything we were getting, we let Mom and Dad open their presents first.

As you can tell, Mom was really excited to have her pictures taken.  Jacob got her some tootsie rolls (lame) and an mp3 player, which she really liked.   I bought her a Vera Bradley purse and some Bath and Body Works perfume/lotion.  She seemed really happy…which was the whole point. :)

Benny decided to jump in the box, and freaked out.  He was in total OH-MY-GOD-IT’S-CHRISTMAS-AND-I-DON’T-KNOW-WHAT-THIS-IS-BUT-IT’S-THE-BEST-THING-EVER mode. And then peeked out of the box…just before my mom ruined his fun and made him get out.

Then, it was Dad’s turn.  Jacob got him an mp3 player as well, and I didn’t know what to get, so bought him the Mummy Collector’s box set and the new Star Trek movie, as well as this Craftsman clock that he really wanted.  All in all, he seemed pretty happy.

Jacob got a bunch of shit, I bought him Cloverfield, and then I opened all my presents, the best of which was a picture of me and Brittany, framed so I can put it in my office.

Everything seemed pretty chill, so we prepared to fix Christmas Eve dinner (another random family tradition).  Mom had bought steaks, so we were pretty excited.  I mean, steaks are freakin’ delicious. So I tried my hand at roasting some pecans for the family dinner on Saturday (which turned out to be a complete disaster.  COMPLETE DISASTER.  We bought three bags, and THANK YOU BABY JESUS I only fixed one of them.  Out of four cups of pecans, only 1/3 was actually edible….as seen in the pic below.)

So, with that disaster hot on the heels of our beginnings of dinner, we hoped that would be the only thing that went wrong… OH, HOW WRONG WE WERE.  So mom and I started the veggies, and then realized that if we were going to girll the steaks, we had to do something, since it was raining and the grill isn’t actually made to be used in the rain. So we set up the cover for the porch swing, and put the grill under it.  It seemed perfect, and I was pretty proud.

My dad, as usual, was lounging, and had actually fallen asleep, while my mom and I trekked out to the garage (in the dark…with no light because the damn motion detector lights were out) and rescued the porch swing cover, as well as the charcoal and the lighter fluid.  So we set everything up (STILL IN THE POURING DOWN, FREEZING MY ASS OFF RAIN) and hoped that the steaks wouldn’t suffer because of the shitty weather.
Unfortunately, while we were working on it, the corn nearly scorched, my dad kept sleeping, my mom and I continued cursing outside, and all in all ruing the day we decided to grill in the rain.  So we were soaked to the bone, and began heading inside, when Jacob, who was in the laundry room, announced that the detergent had gotten knocked over, and half the bottle was on the floor.  AWESOME.

Mom and I checked on the veggies, and kept hopping in and out to make sure that the grill was doing okay.  My dad finally woke up, my mom gave in and refused to actually confront him (like usual) and then continued to complain (also like usual).

So, as I’m trying to manage the corn, and play with the cats, and feed them their Christmas dinner, I hear a bang.  A loud one.  And my mom and dad being really loud outside.  And then I look outside.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!?  THE FUCKING GRILL AND THE FUCKING SWINGSET TOP HAS KNOCKED OVER, OUR STEAKS ARE ON THE PORCH AND CHRISTMAS DINNER IS RUINED FOREVER.  I think my literal response, and the only thing that could actually be articulated was one word: “Godfuckingdammit.”

As a side note, the pic was taken AFTER I’d scraped all the coals off the porch and we’d picked up the grill.  I opened the sliding door, and asked my mom what happened…to which she replied “WATER.  WE NEED WATER THE DECK IS ON FIRE!!!” So I’m screaming at Jacob, and filling water into pitchers in the sink, and trying to get water out there, because dear Jesus the last thing we needed was a deck on fire.  Needless to say, washed off the steaks after they’d been thrown back into the ashes of the grill, and I scraped off all of the charcoal out into the yard…I mean, its too wet for ANYTHING EVER to catch fire.

So we threw the steaks in the oven and broiled them for a while, and THANK YOU TINY EIGHT POUND SIX OUNCE BABY JESUS, they were actually good.  All I’m waiting for now is the Bumpus hounds (from a Christmas Story, if you haven’t seen it) to come running in and steal the steaks from my plate.  Because, after this eventful Christmas Eve, it’s really all I can expect….and would be perfectly natural in this ridiculous day/night.